2013-01-06
2013-01-14
x COMW

PROGRAM
The Colbert Report 18
The Daily Show With Jon Stewart 18
STATION
COMW 36
DATE
Jan 10th (Thu) 8
Jan 11th (Fri) 8
Jan 8th (Tue) 8
Jan 9th (Wed) 8
Jan 12th (Sat) 2
Jan 7th (Mon) 2
LANGUAGE
English 36
TOPIC
stephen 20
jon stewart 16
jon 12
jack lew 8
obama 8
boehner 7
new york 6
sandy 6
slimful 5
afghanistan 4
aig 4
aimee mann 4
barry 4
beaver 4
benjamin gibbard 4
bernie 4
( more )

Set Clip Length:

COMW - The Daily Show With Jon Stewart
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Jan 9, 2013
COMW
The Daily Show With Jon Stewart
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Jan 9, 2013


slam! turley an industry populated with a lot of good people. i don't want to be so hard on these guys. you know? they did business with terrorists at the bank. everybody walked in. you don't know what they do. it's not like they were working with and counseling enemies on how to circumvent the entire security april rat russ. >> on at least one occasion hsbc taught them how to format messages so transactions would not be blocked by the united states. >> jon: are you (bleep) kidding me? they worked personally with these people to help them -- that is outrageous. i cannot believe our nation's enemies are getting better and more personal bank customer service than i am. i am going to have to transfer to hsbc. we can take solids. at least the hsbc guys they are going to send them up the river to the big house. >> not one person from hsbc will face prosecution. there's no criminal charges against any of the managers or individuals who lewd this to go on. >> jon: yeah, no, obviously river is the big house. by river i mean the same and by big house i mean a mansion on it. [ laughter ] so what
COMW - The Daily Show With Jon Stewart
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Jan 10, 2013
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The Daily Show With Jon Stewart
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Jan 10, 2013


? ♪ thunder road "oh, we popped!" 'cause our bodies give us away. we get sexually excited. your bodies don't do that. it's not fair. if it was fair, when you got excited, your vagina would emit a little sound or something. hot guy walks by... [ mumbling and snarling ] [ laughter, cheers and applause ] "you want me to cut you with a knife? you want me to cut you with a knife?" [ snarling ] my name's mo mandel. thank you so much. [ cheers and applause ] -- captions by vitac -- www.vitac.com captioning sponsored by comedy central from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with jon stewart. ["daily show" theme song playing] [cheers and applause] >> jon: welcome owe to "the daily show". any name is jon stewart. good show tonight. my guest tonight the wonderful jeff bridges is going to be joining us. we're very excited about that. [cheers and applause] so obviously for the past few nights we've talked about heavy, complex difficult to solve issues like gun control, the fiscal give. girard depardu's heard breaking-really heartbreaking -- from his beloved f
COMW - The Daily Show With Jon Stewart
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Jan 8, 2013
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The Daily Show With Jon Stewart
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Jan 8, 2013


for citizenship. (bleep) >> don't let him get on top. >> what carwash did you guys meet at? >> you are cute. how did you meet? >> on line. for what french fries. >> bobby lee would you go up on her? anthony, this is your type, no? >> she looks like a cartoon of a whore. >> she took that well. >> she takes a lot of things well. >> enough with the bread already. ♪ >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with jon stewart. ["daily show" theme song playing] [cheers and applause] >> jon: welcome to "the daily show." [cheers and applause] i'm jon stewart. oh, we've got a good one for you tonight. general billy mc-- stanley mcchrystal. last night we talked fiscal cliff. in the wake of things that happened. newtown a roara, portland, tucson -- it's a 22 minute show so i'm not going to list everybody but finally everybody is ready to talk about gun violence. the patrol has been ready for quite some time now. let's have that conversation people. nothing is off the table. no bad idea. it's a safe space. let's start the discussion on gun violence. let's talk a
COMW - The Daily Show With Jon Stewart
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Jan 9, 2013
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The Daily Show With Jon Stewart
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Jan 9, 2013


be the criteria for the lunatic database? what would you say to get on it? >> americans don't want to be added to that pile of dead people that have been left defenseless by the u.n. policies. [ laughter ] >> jon: lapierre with two rs or one? i don't want to cull a conversation britt starts. mental health cares that be on table but that leads to other problems, crimes, gun, violence. >> we don't have a crime problem, or a gun problem, or even a violence problem. what we have a sin problem. [ laughter ] [ laughter ] >> jon: is this about me masturbating? is in a -- is that what this is about? look, i didn't know that that was considered a national issue. [ laughter ] look, we can dance around the issue all we want. we can blame movies or the video games or the mentally ill or god and we have to put it's a complex problem and all solutions have to bone the table but it's time we talk about guns. >> i don't want to do this. i don't want to do this gun control discussion right now. there's a day, a place and a time for all that. >> jon: it's today, right now. it's absolutely the time to talk about
COMW - The Daily Show With Jon Stewart
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Jan 11, 2013
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The Daily Show With Jon Stewart
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Jan 11, 2013


will try to waste your time in this city. this is how to get out of any conversation you don't wanna have. if somebody comes up to you, they're wasting your time, turn to them and say this sentence. "have you heard the word of the lord?" [audience laughing] seriously. [applause] whether you're religious or not, they will walk away from you. i was trying to get to a club to work. i was late-- this guy cut me off. he was trying to sell me a phone. he goes into this whole spiel. i stopped him-- "excuse me, sir. "have you heard the word of the lord?" he turned around, opposite direction. and i was like, "wow, you know what? "jesus christ really is my personal savior. "he helps me, and he will return." tupac resurrection-- tupac resurrection. that's all my time. you guys were really beautiful for me. thank you so much-- thank you. [cheers] thank you, again. [applause] from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with jon stewart. ["daily show" theme song playing] [cheers and applause] captioning sponsored by comedy central >> jon: hello, everybody. welcom
COMW - The Daily Show With Jon Stewart
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Jan 11, 2013
COMW
The Daily Show With Jon Stewart
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Jan 11, 2013


don't look that up. how would it work? >> in theory the treasury would mint the coin and walk it over the federal reserve for deposit so the government could pay it bills. >> jon: really? really mr. tibbl snerks. [ laughter ] i don't want to bust your bibbles here, but you know you are only holding a quarter, snriet sure they could mint a trillion dollar coin and walk it over the treasury even though it could be the most tempting walk in history because we know the store across the street is chocolate, blowjobs and beyond. you definitely want to -- [ laughter ] you know, we don't need some trillion dollar coin gimmick. we need to take the u.s. dollar serious again. >> president obama will nominate his chief of staff at the white house jack lew toll bet next -- to be the next treasury secretary. >> it will be his signature at the bottom of our currency. it will look something like this. [ laughter ] >> jon: that injure signature? or jut -- that is your significant in signature or are you testing to see if the pen works? [ laughter ] hey, lew, shire -- here is a tip, stop signing your c
COMW - The Colbert Report
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Jan 10, 2013
COMW
The Colbert Report
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Jan 10, 2013


ago. >> tosh: perhaps you don't understand how rich i've become over the last four years. i have an ancient olive tree growing in glass in my palatial home. i think i'm doing better. next week this kid gets redeemed for being love sick and tone deaf. ♪ look into my eyes ♪ you'll see what you mean to me ♪ >> tosh: every 50-year-old's panties just got a little moist. follow me on twitter and go to our blog and buy stuff on our tour and happy to brag about my upcoming show in portland, oregon the 25th and here's your brickleberry spoile spoil alert. stay tuned for jimmy [eagle caw] >> stephen: tonight, is america >> gun control. is america finally ready. aim fire! [ laughter ] then, america's troubling new food addiction. and my guest neal shubin is a paleontologist who found a missing link between sea and land creatures. du,-aquaman. 2012 of the hottest year on record. we think. the record burst into flames. this is "the colbert report". ["the colbert report" theme music playing] captioning sponsored by comedy central [cheers and applause] [crowd chanting stephen [ welcome to
COMW - The Daily Show With Jon Stewart
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Jan 7, 2013
COMW
The Daily Show With Jon Stewart
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Jan 7, 2013


a vaginal we can trans, don't you? (laughter) now this is very crafty case for gay marriage proponents to bring to the supreme court. as the case sets it is a bit of a trap for conservatives. >> the domo case considers whether someone lived with a domestic party for 35 years should have to pay estate taxes whereas had they been parried as husband and wife she would not have to pay estate taxes. >> jon: there's the question, conservatives, you can eliminate the estate tax for a whole lot of people but only if you let them get gay married. (laughter) it's a veritable reagan's choice. (laughter) what are we going to do? (applause) gay marriage or double taxation. gay marriage or double taxation. obviously the positions on this issue have been well staked out. proponents of gay paerj say their unions are deserving of the same dignity, respect and rights as those of straight couples and are asking for nothing more than equal protection under the law. to which their opponents smartly argue -- >> i've been waiting to ask you this question. >> go on. >> if the space don't love, can three peopl
COMW - The Colbert Report
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Jan 9, 2013
COMW
The Colbert Report
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Jan 9, 2013


for reasons i don't want to get into because it undermines my position. [ laughter ] and as a result, our dear leader obama is more determined than ever to take away our guns in that he has never tried to take away our guns. [ laughter ] but last week, he appointed reich marshal biden to head up a gun safety task force that will convene a "series of meetings" and "offer recommendations--" "in an effort to build consent for action." meetings? recommendations? effort? [ laughter ] folks, that is a slippery slope to jackbooted powerpoint presentations. [ laughter ] now, fortunately, folks, there are rational voices out there, who have a reasoned response to those who want gun regulation. >> now get a gun and go after her hide! well said. and sam's not alone. standing with him is nra head wayne lapierre, who in the wake of unimaginable tragedy, put forth a simple plan to reassure our troubled nation. >> i call on congress today to act immediately to appropriate whatever is necessary to have put armed police officers in every single school in this nation. >> stephen: yes, just put armed officers in
COMW - The Colbert Report
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Jan 7, 2013
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The Colbert Report
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Jan 7, 2013


the answers. but we don't. until the season premier on january 6th. well, tonight folks, i strike back at her highness. by presenting you, my nation, with something not even michelle has seen. part of the show vince gilligan has agreed to let me show you scenes from the upcoming season of breaking bad. (cheers and applause) as performed by the men of downton abbey. (laughter) james? (laughter) thomas? >> lord grantham is growing impatient. it's time to start. >> right you are, allow me to bring the mobile lab. there we go, mr. johnson. >> thank you. it's a shame that in order to save downton abbey lord grantham has sunk to brewing the black came cheil crank. >> stop being so high and mighty. the village tea twikers can't get enough of it, earl blue, they think it is the chiz el miz el. carson, thomas, hurry up with that batch. i promised to buy the product and a gentleman keeps his word. or one has a cap popped in one's as. >> soon downton will be connecting it with mad bitches and benjamins. (cheers and applause) im. >> yo, you got something in mind. >> carson, is someone addressing me? sorr
COMW - The Colbert Report
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Jan 10, 2013
COMW
The Colbert Report
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Jan 10, 2013


is damning. and i don't care if 43% of obama's appointees have been women. they're not in this photo. i live by one rule. if i can't see it, it does not exist-- oh, my god! where's my hand?! ohh. i thought obama took it. don't ever scare me like that again. [ laughter ] of course, obama's not letting me down. i love white men. i sleep with one every night that i know of. [ laughter ] no, folks, i'm heartbroken for my liberal friends. and so is former governor and formerly relevant mike huckabee, [ laughter ] who was publically worried about them on his radio show. >> now a lot of those females who supported barack obama are scratching their heads, and they're saying, "whoa! how come there is so much testosterone in the obama cabinet and so little estrogen?"" [ laughter ] >> stephen: yes, huckabee and hucka-me are outraged on behalf of you estrogen soaked females. because obama's not turning out the way you wanted him to. if anything, he's turning out the way we want him to. and that should make you furious that we're delighted that you're angry. [ laughter ] now in terms of diversity, the fi
COMW - The Colbert Report
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Jan 11, 2013
COMW
The Colbert Report
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Jan 11, 2013


surface with his urine. he has anonymously pooed hundreds of videos. here he is at a boston market. don't laugh. this fugitive has been at it for years. no one has ever caught him. he appears to haae a very vitamin-rich diet. watch what he does to a bathroom at the container store. i'm saying "he," but that mighh be a woman. no need to profile. all right. here he is at his most diabolical. come on. not the cleaning supplies. mexican ladies have to touch% those. his yellow rain of terror must be stopped. i'm counting on you guys to help me. if ou see anyone drinking a suspicious amount of liquid, please e-mail the show. do not approach the subject. his gladder is extremely full you might be sitting across from the yellow pee-pee monster as we speak. all right. this week, big-foot dies. finally, you will be shot on pight if you attempt to trick or treat on my property. you have been warned. good night. (laughter) captioning sponsored by comedy central ["the colbert report" theme music playing] [eagle caw] [cheers and applause] >> stephen: welcome to the report. thank you, ladies and gent
COMW - The Colbert Report
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Jan 9, 2013
COMW
The Colbert Report
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Jan 9, 2013


office's forever stamp. come january 27, it goes up by one cent. [ laughter ] >> stephen: folks, i don't wanna brag but back in 2007, i bought dozens of forever stamps when they were still 41 cents a pop. now they're 46 cents. god knows how much that's worth. [ laughter ] every time i send a letter, that's pure profit! every second i'm not lickin', i'm losing money. [ laughter ] but as smart an investment as this was, it just proves the government can't do anything right. this price hike is an outrage. a penny?! let me get this straight, post office. i put a letter like this in a metal box on any street corner in, say, miami and within a couple days it's delivered in seattle, washington. and for that you want 46 cents? [ laughter ] you go to hell. [ laughter ] what -- what? what am i, made of cents? what's next? 47 cents?! there's no telling what's after that. [ laughter ] well screw the post office. at this price, i'll deliver my own letters, thank you. [ laughter ] note to self, check orbitz for flights to everywhere. [ laughter ] nation, they say an apple a day keeps the doctor away
COMW - The Daily Show With Jon Stewart
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Jan 8, 2013
COMW
The Daily Show With Jon Stewart
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Jan 8, 2013


- what did i tell you? that's a large flush already! you don't have a chance in here, user! your pathetic little-- - yahtzee. - what? - yahtzee. sixes. - no! it can't be! - yahtzee! - no! aah! - oh...[panting] - oh, thank god. - hey, stan, my computer says we're not friends anymore? - my facebook profile went rogue, dad. had to go into the circuitry and do battle with it. i sent all my friends somewhere else. - oh, okay. so we're--we're not friends then? - [bleep] off, dad. [beep] - ahhhh. ahhahahahahahaha! from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with jon stewart. ( cheers and applause ) captioning sponsored by comedy central >> jon: hey, everybody. welcome to the daily show with jon stewart. i'm very excited to be back on the air. all right. you may have noticed our show, we were on a little bit of a hiatus in the past two weeks because we possess the same work ethic as children in the private school. i don't know what to tell you because while we were gone in just three weeks everything happened ever. tragedies, incompetency. i don't kn
COMW - The Colbert Report
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Jan 8, 2013
COMW
The Colbert Report
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Jan 8, 2013


don't know. okay. we'll see how the year shakes out. okay. now, folks, before i went on break, all the news was about a looming economic cataclysm known as the fiscal cliff. i didn't watch any news over the break but i assume we did not plunge over this cliff because i have not spent the last week fighting seagulls for discarded hot dog buns. as a member of the top 1% i would rather have had my eyes pecked out by an albatross than suffer the deal accepted by republicans from owe balm yanch president obama increased taxes on the rich. >> taxes go up for singles making over $400,000 or more. it goes from 35% to 39.6%. >> 39.6%, mr. president? how is kim-ye supposed to afford a baby now? nation, nation, listen -- i don't want to brag -- but i make in excess of 400 large a year and by large i mean biggie fry, biggie coke. okay? i'm successful. if the government punishes me for it with the tax increase maybe i won't want to be anymore. >> it lowers the incentive of the people you want to take risks and to inknow rate is and to create. >> it's a disincentive to work. >> why do we want to
COMW - The Daily Show With Jon Stewart
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Jan 8, 2013
COMW
The Daily Show With Jon Stewart
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Jan 8, 2013


the same work ethic as children in the private school. i don't know what to tell you because while we were gone in just three weeks everything happened ever. tragedies, incompetency. i don't know even know where to [bleep] start tonight. gun debate? hillary clinton's fake fake brain blood clot? barack obama is filling up his cabinet with old white guys and republicans like chuck hagel? meanwhile some republicans are up with the hagel pick because of his possible antigay views. the democrats are filling in with the old white guys and the republicans are helping the the gays. i can't wait to see what the daily show is going to do with that story. there's no time. there's too much. dam damn you mayans. why couldn't the world have ended when you said it was going to end because that's what i was planning on. now i've got three trillion cans of creamed corn in my basement. waaa! we're going to get to all that in the next week or two because after that we have a two-month midwinter hiatus. but we have to start somewhere. here we go. our top story tonight, world renown thes pee and gerard depardi

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